I remember it like yesterday, pretty lost in Bali with not much direction. A beautiful British man came into my awareness with his beautiful smile and openness. We sat and talked for hours on end at a local healthy cafe, nothing romantic but very thought provoking and engaging conversations (my favourite) …. He brought up Jesus! This was a game changer for me. I hadn’t really had a relationship with him (Jesus) since I was a child, I know the new age Jesus who came in and out with his christ consciousness but I didn’t have a relationship with him … and here was this beautiful man who had just taken his yoga teacher training and questioned everything about it. I hadn’t been questioning any of it and was fully absorbed and open to this spiritual way of being meanwhile lost, anxious, confused and continuously searching for something to fill the void that only HE could fill.
JESUS!! My relationship with him was rekindled, in Bali, maybe even before when I met an angel of a man in Costa Rica named Jesus because whenever I heard or said his name something went off inside of me. See as a child I had a very close intimate relationship with GOD and his son Jesus, I felt like he knew me and we were in constant communication. I get up in a catholic home and that didn’t fully resonate with me but Jesus our relationship and my relationship with God was always a special one. I would tell my mom I didn’t think we needed to go to church to talk to God but was still forced to go on Sundays which always felt more like a chore and for show, not real like when I spoke to him alone. When my grandfather died at the age of 12 not sure if before or after that was just a memorable time in my life but I remember losing more than a grandfather I felt like I lost some faith, the relationship changed. I felt bouts of depression and confusion. On and off, church was still a thing. In high school my life was dark, there was no relationship with Jesus or God at all, I was depressed, lonely, anxious, bulimic, and even cut myself at times. I wasn’t promiscuous although all the rumours going around about me told a different story…. I was far from God and didn’t even think to call out for him in those dark lonely days. My parents began going to a Spanish church still catholic in those days and I'd go with them sometimes but felt nothing and definitely had no real relationship with God or Jesus, I just went because it was something to do. Later I met a boyfriend that I fell hard for, he was my high school sweetheart, one of my biggest lessons to date. I lost my virginity to him at 18 thinking he was the man I was going to marry. He had a lot going on in his own life with his dying father and interesting family dynamics, but as a young naive lost and confused depressed girl I was in my own darkness. We were together for 2 years before he first cheated on me and my life took a turn for the worst. Depression to another level, God was the last thing on my mind and I literally lost myself. Thoughts of suicide were a normal occurrence it was awful and if I could go back I’d hug and hold myself so tightly. However I see how this journey has all led me to where I am today and although with much pain and heartbreak I would never change a thing. We were on and off and it was awful, I had zero self worth and hated myself. Such a harsh word but the truth, This broke me. Life went on and he found another person I knew nothing about and had a full on relationship with her while still with me. His family and friends knew about his double life because both I and the other girl would be brought to different family get togethers, yuck! When I finally found out I felt liberated, angry and still broken but liberated non the less, I guess because deep down I knew something was going on… I felt why wasn’t I good enough? I started to workout heavily to look better than the other girl who had replaced me. It was awful, I felt so broken. Met a guy online, got drunk and slept with him feeling so disgusting because how could I sleep with someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend ewwww I hated myself some more. God was again far and zero relationship with Jesus.
Bulimia was strong, depression was strong, and I was weak. I loathed myself. It wasn’t until many drunken nights and lonely days when finally I had stopped bulimia for a while working out and eating right and I met a guy who I was with for close to three years … still broken and very removed from God. He was Jewish and God came back into my life but Jesus was not around, in fact my boyfriend mocked him calling him Jebus and I found myself mocking him too. Mocking christianity, I just wanted love and acceptance. Through challenging times in that relationship with my health and life because depression was so real …. I found yoga! I became a yoga teacher and learned about meditation and spirituality and energy. Yoga was my saving grace or so I thought! Through yoga I connected to a different spirituality that I had never experienced before and really liked. I also found a community which I was missing. I left that relationship, I broke his heart but in yoga I found the strength to leave him. A few months later I was once again alone and broken.
One day I met a woman who introduced me to the self help/new age world; and this is where things changed, the law of attraction, positive affirmations, how we create our own realities. I ended up moving in with her to train and cook for her as her personal chef and trainer and she fed me with all the self help and spiritual growth things. She introduced me to a course in miracles and told me about ayahuasca (I had never heard of this before) …. She also told me how incredibly messed up my family was, especially my mother, and that I should stop talking to her all together. I had tons of books and would find different meditations online to listen to. I was obsessed with needing to heal my broken self. Yoga continued. I fell deep into the new age and loved learning about it, like a new drug…. Still depressed and bulimic! I moved to Toronto a dream come true for me, alone in a bachelor at Yonge and eglinton super cute little space for just me. I hustled and trained people and taught yoga. People loved my yoga classes. I taught bootcamps and trained for fitness competitions. I won first place in a competition and remember how absolutely empty I felt! I taught kids yoga. Cooked for clients. I was a hustler truly, I would cook meals for clients and have them pick them up at the concierge of my building or I would drop them off. I was offered a showroom kitchen downtown from one of my clients, I had this incredible kitchen to cook for my clients all while I was so sad on the inside!!
Okay fast forward injuries, more depression and loneliness. Kundalini came into my life and things got even weirder, straight up demonic attacks. I was seeing a healing therapist at this time because depression and bulimia were still in my life (they were my dark secret that nobody knew about)… she told me to stop kundalini for now. So I did, months later a car accident, my car was totalled, and I almost died, sadly I wished I had died, I was gone for a minute and when I realized I was still here I was sad, broken from head to toe this added to the pain I already had emotionally and physically….
Let me fast forward a bit… All this new pain only brought me deeper into my needing to heal and search. I started with the law of attraction, Abraham Hicks, ST Germain, Doreen Virtue and more kundalini meditations and practices. That same year a DMT trip. Then a trip to the jungle for yoga and ayahuasca…. I was beyond lost. I was so deep into the new age and far removed from the truth. All I can say is it never felt right. There was always a fear and eeriness about this all.
Let me call this part one of many more bits and pieces of my testimony!
Saved through Grace!
Jesus the way the truth and the life